My life is not about me. I find myself often [constantly] completely focused on my life and what is going on with me and what I want. This pride, this complete self-centeredness, this selfishness is the thing that keeps me furthest from God. Because of my pride, I can prattle all day long about how important God is and how much I love him, when really I’m more concerned with what other people think when they see me. When I find myself sinning and then begging for forgiveness, I find myself distraught because of the depth of my darkness—because I hate the way it makes me feel about me. Not because I know that I have just, by sinning, grieved the very maker of this world. Not because every sin that flows from me is another ounce of blood that must flow from Christ.
Literally. All the pain that Jesus endured on the cross was for the sake of the lost and the weak. You. Me. And every precious moment that he hung there was to give grace to another sinner. My sin, here and now, caused Christ the pain of the cross two thousand years ago.
How disastrous does it make me that I could run away from my God who adores me and into the arms of my sin that desires nothing more than my complete abandonment and death, all the while knowing that I’m causing the one who loves me the pain of death? And then when I do beg forgiveness, my heart still is not aching for what my sin has cost God. Behold the depth of my depravity that this human heart of mine—when given the chance—will always choose to run into the arms of destruction. My heart in its natural condition will never choose God.
As much as that knowledge is difficult and crushing to accept, I know that makes the beauty of the grace of God all the more extravagant. I can look around me and see the endless destruction that the sin in this world has left behind and is currently carving, and I can see in scripture, in my life, in the actions and words of others, just how evil humans are on their own. In the natural state of the human race, we fail. Epically.
“The LORD saw that the wickedness of man was great in the earth, and that every intention of the thoughts of his heart was only evil continually.”
Genesis 6:5
I read this verse and sometimes I say to myself, ‘That’s a little harsh. There are some moments when I’m not evil, right?’ Sorry Hannah, but no. CS Lewis has a deeply insightful statement in which he says, “There is but one good; that is God. Everything else is good when it looks to Him and bad when it turns from Him.” If I have ever experienced a moment where there was no evil in my heart, it was without a doubt the result of God invading me and working to change me. It was not me as a human being just being good. My heart either seeks to glorify myself or glorify God. When I’m not seeking to know God and give him glory, when I’m not looking to Him as Lewis said, then I’m seeking my own glory. I’m seeking to make myself into a better, more lovable person. I’m concerned with lifting myself up.
One word. Idolatry.
But when in the midst of my wholly depraved state, the sovereign God of the universe calls me to Him and by His Spirit in me helps me to seek Him and love Him (when I’m looking to Him, as Lewis put it), that is good. In those moments I am good solely because God has made it so. I am good because God is good and He has taken control of all the corners of my being. I can be so caught up in myself that these moments seem few and far between.
Are we beginning to see how the grace of God is all the more extravagant because of the sinfulness of man? In view of my complete imperfection, God is able and willing to offer His perfect grace. Even though I am the worst of sinners, this glorious, mighty God chooses to make himself known to me and display his perfect grace to me.
“But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you and my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.”
2 Corinthians 12:9-10
I love thinking about this. Because I can see all of the weakness and the sin in my life, and it just glorifies God more to know that He is enough. His grace is enough for all of my screw-ups and mistakes. His grace is enough, His grace is perfect, and His grace never ends. That is a good promise. Day after day, mistake after mistake, God will still be able and willing to offer grace. And the depth of my sin makes the height of his grace overwhelmingly beautiful. If I could be halfway decent on my own and God only had to offer me a leg up (as opposed to redeeming everything that I am day by day), I would miss out on so much of who He is and I would know His character so much less. My sin is horrible, yes, but what a beautiful plan of His it is that the more that I fail, the more that I will understand that He never will. God will never fail to love me completely, He will always be faithful to me, His love is unconditional, and no matter how many times I spurn Him and run away, He will never abandon me.
This life is NOT about me.
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