Redecorating

I.   Me

Captivating.

Am I?

How could I ever be?

I feel like a mistake.

I feel dirty.

I feel imperfect.

I’m such a mess.
I am nothing.

I just want to die sometimes.

I wish I was beautiful.

I wish I was good.

I wish I could be all that I should be.

But I make a mess out of life.

I fail.

All the time.

And I feel like it’s all my fault.

I shouldn’t expect anything.

Because I am not worth anything.

I never will be.

Because I will always be damaged.

I will always be second rate.

I should be ashamed.

Because I am covered by shame.

It is my dress, my veil.

My legacy.

Look at me.

Yeah, I wouldn’t either.

II.   Lies

No!

LIES!  All lies!

The devil, the enemy,

who whispers fondly in my ear—

you lie.

Your words are pollutants, poisons.

There is no grain of truth

or wisdom or kindness in them.

Your words cripple and enslave.

They keep me broken and weeping

in the corner of my cave.

Your words whisper to me

to not let them out.

Keep it to myself.

No.

Bring the darkness into the light.

Expose the falsehoods.

Recognize the strongholds the lies

have built so diligently in my life.

Where is the power in the lies?

When I believe them.

When I let them continue to

reside in me peacefully, undisturbed.

But I see them.

And they will rest and rule no longer.

They will be [brutally] disturbed.

III.   Truth

Because what could be more brutal

to a lie than to be ripped apart?

To be seen for what it really is.

To lose all the power of deception.

To be invaded and conquered

by the light of the truth.

The truth refutes the lies.

The truth invites freedom.

The truth brings back reality.

IV. Captivating

Yes I am.

Because the truth is that I have been redeemed.

The truth is that I am bought and paid for.

The truth is that I am covered and pure.

The truth is that I am claimed.

The truth is that I am entirely forgiven.

The truth is that I am eternally loved.

I am faithfully and unconditionally loved.

I am sought after.

The truth is that I am chosen.

The truth is that I am worthy.

The truth is that I am new.

I am remade.

Reborn.

With new and bright eyes.

The truth is that I have been given grace.

The truth is that I have been saved.

The truth is that I am raised from death to life.

The truth is that life is finally worth living.

Because there is someone to live for.

The truth is that I have been given joy.

The truth is that I have been given peace.

The truth is that every time I write the word ‘truth’

I feel that one more lie is decimated in my mind.

One more lie is brought to nothing.

Because the truth is that the lies are powerless in the light.

The truth is that the enemy has already been defeated.

The truth is that the Christ has already claimed the victory.

Because Christ has already conquered death.

And sin.

And the lies.

The truth is that He did that because He loves me.

The truth is that I am saved.

The truth is that I have hope.

The truth is that I am looking forward to eternity.

The truth is that it couldn’t come soon enough.

Goodbye, Rug

Whenever I feel like I have my feet planted firmly on the ground,

what should happen other than the rug on which I’m standing

is pulled right out from beneath my feet!

But there’s none of that movie nonsense.

I don’t stay in the same place

(neat and tidy and unscathed)

when the rug vanishes.

Get real.

The rug gets pulled out from beneath my feet

and I land rear first on the ground.

Usually pretty hard.

But no matter how many times I lose my rug

(and exclaim something about the end of the world and approaching doom)

a funny thing happens.

Life goes on.

At every turn when I look back on my extensive resume

of mistakes and failures and falsely declared Armageddon’s,

I find that my failures have displayed two life essentials.

1. I cannot do this.

2. God can.

Because in the midst of my mistakes

there is one thing that has remained the same.

There is one constant, one absolute, one mighty truth.

I am fiercely and sweetly and deeply loved

by the maker and creator of this universe.

That trumps impending doom any day.

A Crucial Misconception

            My life is not about me.  I find myself often [constantly] completely focused on my life and what is going on with me and what I want.  This pride, this complete self-centeredness, this selfishness is the thing that keeps me furthest from God.  Because of my pride, I can prattle all day long about how important God is and how much I love him, when really I’m more concerned with what other people think when they see me.  When I find myself sinning and then begging for forgiveness, I find myself distraught because of the depth of my darkness—because I hate the way it makes me feel about me.  Not because I know that I have just, by sinning, grieved the very maker of this world.  Not because every sin that flows from me is another ounce of blood that must flow from Christ.

            Literally.  All the pain that Jesus endured on the cross was for the sake of the lost and the weak.  You.  Me.  And every precious moment that he hung there was to give grace to another sinner.  My sin, here and now, caused Christ the pain of the cross two thousand years ago. 

            How disastrous does it make me that I could run away from my God who adores me and into the arms of my sin that desires nothing more than my complete abandonment and death, all the while knowing that I’m causing the one who loves me the pain of death?  And then when I do beg forgiveness, my heart still is not aching for what my sin has cost God.  Behold the depth of my depravity that this human heart of mine—when given the chance—will always choose to run into the arms of destruction.  My heart in its natural condition will never choose God.

            As much as that knowledge is difficult and crushing to accept, I know that makes the beauty of the grace of God all the more extravagant.  I can look around me and see the endless destruction that the sin in this world has left behind and is currently carving, and I can see in scripture, in my life, in the actions and words of others, just how evil humans are on their own.  In the natural state of the human race, we fail. Epically. 

“The LORD saw that the wickedness of man was great in the earth, and that every intention of the thoughts of his heart was only evil continually.” 

Genesis 6:5

I read this verse and sometimes I say to myself, ‘That’s a little harsh. There are some moments when I’m not evil, right?’  Sorry Hannah, but no.  CS Lewis has a deeply insightful statement in which he says, “There is but one good; that is God.  Everything else is good when it looks to Him and bad when it turns from Him.” If I have ever experienced a moment where there was no evil in my heart, it was without a doubt the result of God invading me and working to change me.  It was not me as a human being just being good.  My heart either seeks to glorify myself or glorify God.  When I’m not seeking to know God and give him glory, when I’m not looking to Him as Lewis said, then I’m seeking my own glory.  I’m seeking to make myself into a better, more lovable person.  I’m concerned with lifting myself up. 

One word.  Idolatry.  

But when in the midst of my wholly depraved state, the sovereign God of the universe calls me to Him and by His Spirit in me helps me to seek Him and love Him (when I’m looking to Him, as Lewis put it), that is good.  In those moments I am good solely because God has made it so.  I am good because God is good and He has taken control of all the corners of my being.  I can be so caught up in myself that these moments seem few and far between.

Are we beginning to see how the grace of God is all the more extravagant because of the sinfulness of man?  In view of my complete imperfection, God is able and willing to offer His perfect grace.  Even though I am the worst of sinners, this glorious, mighty God chooses to make himself known to me and display his perfect grace to me. 

“But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you and my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.” 

2 Corinthians 12:9-10

            I love thinking about this.  Because I can see all of the weakness and the sin in my life, and it just glorifies God more to know that He is enough.  His grace is enough for all of my screw-ups and mistakes.  His grace is enough, His grace is perfect, and His grace never ends.  That is a good promise.  Day after day, mistake after mistake, God will still be able and willing to offer grace.  And the depth of my sin makes the height of his grace overwhelmingly beautiful.  If I could be halfway decent on my own and God only had to offer me a leg up (as opposed to redeeming everything that I am day by day), I would miss out on so much of who He is and I would know His character so much less.  My sin is horrible, yes, but what a beautiful plan of His it is that the more that I fail, the more that I will understand that He never will.  God will never fail to love me completely, He will always be faithful to me, His love is unconditional, and no matter how many times I spurn Him and run away, He will never abandon me. 

            This life is NOT about me.  

Beautiful

“One thing have I asked of the Lord,

that will I seek after:

that I may dwell in the house of the Lord

all the days of my life,

to gaze upon the beauty of  the Lord

and to inquire in his temple.”

            Psalm 27:4

How does a person describe a definition?

The definition tells a person what a thing is,

but if the definition in itself is a great mystery,

how is the mystery described?

With many words that will never be enough.

beautiful  adj.  1. having beauty; delighting the senses or the mind.  2. God.

The reasons and the depths by which God defines the very word beautiful are astounding, which no person can or will ever—not even in a lifetime of diligent effort—explain the fullness of.  The source that has best put words to the beauty of God is His own word.  As the creator of words and language, would it not make sense that He alone can use those words to describe with great truth the fullness of His beauty as it can be best understood by humans—who in fact don’t possess the understanding to absorb all that His beauty means?

The very first words the Father declared to be written as his word are a mighty image of how God defines beautiful, because He created all things that people look at and describe as beautiful.  God breathes out beautiful.  His very nature which produced all good things is beautiful.  God’s goodness and His beauty go hand in hand—He is good because He is beautiful and beautiful because He is good. 

And God is never limited.  His beauty is not limited to His goodness.  God is beautiful because of His every quality and every characteristic.  God defines beauty because of His perfection.  And the perfection of God’s goodness and love and grace and mercy and justice are beautiful.  Beautifully relaxing sometimes.  Beautifully terrifying sometimes.  Beautifully powerful other times.  But always beautiful.  Beautifully delightful, if that makes any sense. 

When I see the beauty of God, it becomes clear to me that there really is nothing better than to stare into and gaze upon all that this wonderful God is.

Creator and Sustainer.

Lord and Savior.

Father.

Lover.

Truth and Hope.

Judge.

Joy and Peace.

Author and Perfecter.

Strength.

Sovereign Ruler.

Victory.

Redeemer of the Redeemed.

My words will never suffice to describe what the Father speaks in his own word and has put on display day after day.  Because day by day He calls, He loves, He grants mercy and saving grace to those who seek it.  His presence satisfies.  His glory amazes. Faith in Him will never put one to shame.  He heals the brokenhearted.  He comforts all who mourn.  He makes beauty out of ashes.  My failures, my mistakes, my endless list of sins don’t surprise Him, and they aren’t too much for Him to handle.  There is no book large enough to hold the vastness that is God.  He gives life.  He makes everything new.  He proclaims liberty to the captives.  All my tears are in his bottle.  Yet for all these words and descriptions, He is still a mystery.

I know that words will never be enough to explain the beauty of my God. 

But the important thing is that I try.