Learning to trust you
is more difficult than
I would expect, seeing
as trusting you should
be easier than trusting
anyone else. Should is
the key word there. It
should be easy. It
should feel right. It
should be like breathing.
But trust is a funny
thing. I find that no
matter how hard I
want to, I cannot make
myself stir up feelings
of trust. I cannot
force my mind to be
still and accept the
obvious conclusion
that of anyone in this
universe, it is most
logical to put my
trust in you. And
I can say the word
over and over—
trust trust trust trust—
but no matter; my mind
is still as stubborn as
ever. But why? What
makes the concept of trust
so impossible to grasp?
Vulnerability? If I
give myself to you
in this way, it means
that I am putting all
logic on hold and
regardless of circumstance
or emotion, I’m banking
on my indisputable
belief that you are always
right in what you tell me.
I’m giving up the one
faint, broken, flawed
grasp that I have on
my own life. And while
your perfect and true is
no doubt better than
my faint and jacked up,
the jacked up is mine.
How do I let go of mine
and become sold out
to yours? I need yours.
I need to be completely
enslaved and captivated
by yours, but actually
getting from point A
to point B isn’t simple.
Maybe I’d be better
off looking at it as if I’m
traveling from point
A to point Z? And
step by step you are
working on coaxing me
along. Don’t focus on
Z right now—just make
the step to B. Now C.
Good, just one more
right now, step to D.
My finding a real and
unbreakable trust in
you is more than turning
on a switch in my brain
that will allow me to
be wholly confident in
you, and you alone. If
that's what trust really
is, then I could flip
the switch on someone
every day and become
indisputably confident in
and vulnerable to them.
When has any relationship
ever been built like that?
What is the worth of a
relationship that costs me
no time or effort to
cultivate? Trusting you
with everything that is
in me hasn’t happened
yet. But you will build up
trust in me bit by bit
as you carry me along
the way. And one day,
I’ll take a look around
and it will strike me
as being real and true
that you have tugged
and changed me, and I
have finally stepped
from Y to Z.
No comments:
Post a Comment